“A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end”
(Anonymous)
According to Paul R. Giblin, building a successful marriage is a lifelong challenge. Understanding the dynamics of a marital relationship, the different stages of marriage, and the phases a couple go through helps them build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. Last week, we identified unreserved commitment as one of the essential pillars of an enduring marriage, one without which a couple’s family life is destined to cave in.
Though exciting, life in marriage can sometimes be daunting and, in the absence of wholesome communication, rather disorienting. In order to find comfort in your family life, it would be wise to be open to each other, setting your priorities and dealing with your issues of concern as a team, one at a time. And what could these be? According to research done on couples in their first stage of life in marriage by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University in the year 2000, marriage mates are initially preoccupied with issues relating to the amount of time they spend with each other, their sex life and money matters. In this regard, you do well to pay undivided attention to each other and be sensitive to your respective emotional and material needs, always remembering that only you can make your marriage work. Indeed, failure to set and agree on your priorities, or disagreement on these basic matters, poses the risk of emotional distress, a strained relationship and possible breakup. And that is not what you want.
As the clock ticks, other matters take the center stage. Your responsibilities as parents and career growth heavily set in and rob you of the abundant time you previously spent together as newlyweds. Remember, though, that your busy schedule and the mounting family responsibilities should not erode, but rather heighten, the level of your communication.
Wholesome Communication in Marriage
Healthful communication is a fundamental pillar of every successful marriage. It is the oil that greases the bond of union in marriage. Wholesome communication calms the emotions of marriage mates during their marital bliss as well as in turbulent times. Healthful communication minimizes friction and puts out the scorching embers of contention in the face of disagreement. A healthy relationship depends on the couple’s ability to share their thoughts and feelings in such a way as to reassure each other of their love and care for the other’s needs and interests. However, effective communication has become elusive to many couples resulting in crises that bedevil many marriages.
Effective communication calls for patience and respect for one’s mate. As the old adage goes, patience is a virtue – a quality that is not common to all. It denotes insight and endurance with a purpose. A patient marriage mate puts up with his or her spouse and endures their shortcomings with a view of working out their differences so as to maintain and strengthen their marital bond. Patience is not, as others might consider, a sign of weakness. Patiently dealing with your mate’s offending speech or action does not mean that you overlook it. Rather, it calls for discernment and the need to wisely weigh the consequences of your immediate or delayed response. Remember, though, that this requires self-control – another one of the uncommon qualities we have to cultivate in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Take the example of Lisa. Rather than acting in anger when offended by her husband’s stinging remarks and psychological abuse, she holds her peace and patiently considers the wise counsel in Ecclesiastes 7:8 and 9. It reads:
“Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than one who is haughty in spirit. Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of an offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid one.”.
One relationship expert compared communication in marriage to a lawn tennis match in which the husband takes his position on one side of the court while the wife takes her position on the other. To enjoy the game, they gracefully serve the ball in turns as the other skillfully hits the ball back over the net. The other gently strikes to return, and the game goes on until the ball is caught in the net, struck off the court, or when one of them fails to return the other’s volley. Would the couple derive equal joy in a match where they all serve vicious volleys one after another giving no time for the other to strike in return? Certainly not. This would at its best fit the description of an assault on each other and not a leisurely tennis match. It is no wonder that respectful speech has been likened to the mortar that holds your marriage together.
“First Things First,” a Chattanooga USA online source recommends what it considers to be proven “Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage.” These include active listening, validating one’s spouse, using soft words, expressing appreciation, affirmation and compliments, and physical expression of one’s affection for their spouse. Take a moment to reflect on these keys and ask yourself how often you use them to keep your marriage aglow with joy and contentment. You might, on the other hand, find yourselves often carried away in emotionally charged exchanges characterized by emotional outbursts, complaints, criticism or sarcasm. If so, take heart. It is never too late to change.
Remember, though, that change toward effective communication is gradual, and that your success depends on the amount of time you spend talking to each other. You will be pleasantly surprised to find that you have more time than you need to engage in meaningful conversation with your mate, but only if you are prepared to avoid unrestrained indulgence in social media. The two of you must be ready to put away your time-consuming technologies and electronic devices with which we are often engrossed. In effect, the strength of your bond in marriage depends on the amount of time the two of you are prepared to dedicate to and invest in each other’s company, freely sharing your thoughts and feelings in healthful communication, which has been likened to making deposits into your love account.
Considering the ups and downs of family life, there will be times when you find it necessary to express negative feelings over matters of concern to both of you. In doing so, be constructive, calmly expressing your concerns without being judgmental or critical of your mate. Always remember to focus on the problem and not to take this opportunity to launch a personal attack on your spouse. It is in such moments that the two of you need to actively listen to and appreciate the other’s views and feelings without being defensive. Avoid turning such moments into a trial in which you are the accuser, witness and judge. Stop and think twice whenever you realize that you are often too quick to voice negative rather than positive feelings, but too slow to affirm your spouse or express appreciation for who they really are, or to show admiration, approval, respect, kindness or warmth in the way you address them.
In all you do, always remember Yehuda Berg’s advice that “words have energy and power to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.” According to this renowned international speaker and author, “words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair.” Accordingly, the choice as to the effect of the words we utter to our mate is all ours. In order to maintain effective communication in marriage, we must discipline ourselves and consciously speak in a way that conveys love and respect for our spouse, our gentleness and, above all, our humility – the third of our vital ingredient that makes for joy in an enduring marriage.
Always At Your Service
Premier ADR Consultants have developed a toolkit equipped with tested principles that guide our marriage strengthening programmes that are designed to help couples restore, maintain and strengthen their marriage bonds. We work hand-in-hand with marriage mates with strained marital relations on the verge of breakup and separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict avoidance, conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help parties salvage, restore and maintain healthy family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy marital and family relations.
Our founder and managing consultant, Dr. K. I. Laibuta, is a chartered arbitrator and mediator. He has a wealth of professional experience spanning three decades in legal practice with more than two decades of practical experience in alternative dispute resolution. Dr. Laibuta is a skilled independent, fair and impartial conflict manager and dispute resolver, who greatly values the parties’ right to equality of opportunity to freely tell their hidden stories and express their deep-seated feelings without fear or reservation. He facilitates joint resolution of disputes in friendly, informal and voluntary mediation sessions in a non-judgmental manner that ensures unqualified respect and personal dignity of each mate, which in turn guarantees trust and confidence in each other.
Premier ADR Consultants subscribe to the immutable principle that “No Conflict or Dispute is Intractable”.
You can learn more by visiting our website at www.adrconsultants.law and like our Facebook page for our weekly posts and periodic newsletter. If you consider our programme useful to you or to your friends, feel free to contact the writer on +254-0722521708 or by e-mail [email protected]
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