In the first and second of the three-part series of this weekly post, I drew your attention to commitment and healthful communication as key pillars of a joyful and fulfilling marriage. This week, I focus on the qualities of humility and patience, both of which comprise the cornerstones of an enduring family relationship. A humble marriage mate patiently and actively listens to the other to understand them. They do not simply listen while preparing their defense or waiting for their turn to retort. Their answer is weighed so as to demonstrate concern for the thoughts and feelings of their mate. They want to understand and to be understood, not to override their mate’s views or win an argument. They understand the principle expressed by Rodney Wilson, a renowned marriage counselor, to the effect that, as a team, they both lose every time one of them wins and the other loses.
When Conflicts Arise
In every disagreement with your spouse, remember that there is not a winner and a loser. You are united in everything, so you will either win together or lose together. Work together to find a solution where you both win.
(Anonymous)
Every marriage has its occasional ups and downs which the couple has to navigate. You probably will have had your fair share of differences over all manner of issues too, some of which might sound petty and non-consequential, but which have the effect of slowly driving a sharp wedge into your relationship, widening the seemingly minor crack of which the two of you pay little attention. Whatever its magnitude, your marital or other family problem requires amicable settlement as soon as it rears its head, and before it festers into an imposing difference with the threat of complete breakdown in your relationship. What might appear like a minor marital problem can be likened to a trickle of water that seeps into a narrow crack in a rock. In wintertime, the water freezes, expands and widens the crack. As more and more water seeps into the crack rainy season after season, freezing and expanding, the crack widens and eventually cleave what was one time an imposing rock.
The Awake! Magazine No. 3 of 2016 offers timely help for the family and gives marriage mates valuable tips on how to discuss problems. It identifies divergent communication styles between men and women which, if not appreciated, can drive the couple further apart than when the conversation began. While men are quick to suggest practical solutions and consider the problem as “fixed,” women prefer to take time talking it over even if they do not find a practical solution. They find comfort in reassurance and in being heard and appreciated. However, men are wired differently. They prefer to rationalize the issue and prescribe a “quick fix” and move on, which has the adverse effect of making their spouse feel brushed aside or ignored as a result of which the two ultimately make a mountain out of a molehill – making too much out of a minor issue. It takes humility and patience to meet each other halfway, seeking to understand the other’s viewpoint, thoughts and feelings.
It is when conflicts arise that the two of you need, more than ever before, to invoke your tested communication skills, humility and patience, and demonstrate team-spirit as you peacefully address the issues at hand. Adopting this approach helps you to develop the much-needed healthful communication to settle your differences as they arise, which gradually strengthens your bond in marriage. In order to succeed, you must consciously avoid the contentious spirit of the inexperienced ones who have the tendency to trade blame and attack each other rather than the problem. They focus on determining who is right or wrong, launching personal attacks and counterattacks. This turns minor issues into major obstacles which stand in the way of practical solutions. What begins as a light conversation over a simple issue rapidly escalates into an animated exchange loaded with emotional outbursts calculated to hurt and subdue the other. A contentious spirit that drives one to have his or her way can only serve to erode trust and confidence in each other.
Rather than seek to win a bitter argument on a matter of mutual concern, each one of you does well to humbly take practical steps to join your spouse in exploring ways in which the two of you can peaceably address the issues in contention as a team. Always remember that it does not matter who is right or wrong. Rather, it is the mutually agreeable solution that serves your family needs and interests. At the end of the day, it is the peace and unity in your marriage that counts. To enjoy this peace and unity, the two of you are exhorted to “clothe yourselves with the tender affection of compassion, kindness, humility, mildness and patience.”
As the old adage goes, patience is a virtue – a quality that is not common to all. It denotes insight and endurance with a purpose. A patient marriage mate puts up with his or her spouse and humbly endures their shortcomings with a view of working out their differences so as to maintain and strengthen their marital bond. Patience is not, as others might consider, a sign of weakness. Patiently dealing with your mate’s offending speech or action does not mean that you overlook it. Rather, it calls for discernment and the need to wisely weigh the consequences of your immediate or delayed response. Remember, though, that this requires self-control – another one of the uncommon qualities we have to cultivate in order to maintain a healthy relationship.
Take the example of Lisa (not her real name). Rather than acting in anger when offended by her husband’s frequent, demeaning and sarcastic remarks resulting in psychological abuse, she humbly holds her peace and patiently considers the scriptural counsel in Ecclesiastes 7:8 and 9. It reads:
“Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than one who is haughty in spirit. Do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended, for the taking of an offense is what rests in the bosom of the stupid one.”.
Patience is an element of moral excellence to which we all aspire, but one that takes time to develop. It is a personal trait or quality that calls for humility and self-control, which help us to manage marital conflicts as they arise. The fact that these qualities are not inborn reminds us of the need to continually cultivate them in order to peaceably address and resolve issues before they fester into full-blown marital disputes and possible breakup. Selma and Rodney Wilson, marriage counselors with Lifeway Christian Resources, offer timely advice. According to them, if poorly handled, a series of disagreements can deeply damage your relationship. You will agree that what we often view as minor differences of opinion might gradually develop into conflicts that can fester to the point that suppressed stubbornness, pride, anger, hurt and bitterness prevent effective communication in marriage. When you have done your best, but do not seem to settle matters between the two of you, do not shy from professional help in which many have found practical solutions.
Continually Test Your Humility, Patience and the Integrity of Your Relationship
Do your words and actions demonstrate patience, humility and unreserved commitment to your mate and to your marriage?
Do the two of you act as a team on matters of concern to your family, or does each one of you do things their own way and hope for the best?
Do you show respect for your mate in word and deed – in what you say and do?
If your spouse were to be asked, would he or she say that they feel valued and respected in the way you speak or deal with them?
Are the two of you quick to forgive and settle matters without holding a grudge or recounting your spouse’s past misdeeds?
How long does it take you to forgive each other, settle matters and recover your warm regard for each other?
Do you keep a grudge, wall-up for days on end, or engage your spouse in a cold war?
Are there times you regret getting married or wish you were married to someone else?
Count on Us to See You Through
Premier ADR Consultants have developed a toolkit equipped with tested principles that guide our marriage strengthening programmes that are designed to help couples restore, maintain and strengthen their marriage bonds. We work hand-in-hand with marriage mates with strained marital relations on the verge of breakup and separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict avoidance, conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help parties salvage, restore and maintain healthy family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy marital and family relations.
Our founder and managing consultant, Dr. K. I. Laibuta, is a chartered arbitrator and mediator. He has a wealth of professional experience spanning three decades in legal practice with more than two decades of practical experience in alternative dispute resolution. Dr. Laibuta is a skilled independent, fair and impartial conflict manager and dispute resolver, who greatly values the parties’ right to equality of opportunity to freely tell their hidden stories and express their deep-seated feelings without fear or reservation. He facilitates joint resolution of disputes in friendly, informal and voluntary mediation sessions in a non-judgmental manner that ensures unqualified respect and personal dignity of each mate, which in turn guarantees trust and confidence in each other.
Premier ADR Consultants subscribe to the immutable principle that “No Conflict or Dispute is Intractable”.
You can learn more by visiting our website at www.adrconsultants.law and like our Facebook page for our weekly posts and periodic newsletter. If you consider our programme useful to you or to your friends, feel free to contact the writer on +254-0722521708 or by e-mail [email protected]
[mc4wp_form id=”1]
Is it wise to marry someone you have knew in the past than a new person.