The year 2020 ushered in what has proved to be “critical times hard to deal with” as the COVID-19 pandemic took a firm grip on the global community leaving a trail of deaths, disease and economic downturn that continue to devastate families world over. Its devastating effect has deprived most families of their livelihood, shaking the very foundations of family life, not to mention the soring cost of living despite the downward spiral in their ability to earn a living in the face of unprecedented levels of unemployment. Professionals and blue-collar workers alike continue to experience economic hardship resulting in emotional distress that negatively impacts their family and marital relationships. Yet, there is no cure in view. So, what to do?
Harnessing Strength in Turbulent Times
Take courage. It is in such times of trial and tribulation that the integrity of our marital and family relationships is put to test. Indeed, times when a family head, probably the sole breadwinner, is unable to provide for members of his or her own household weighs heavily on the hearts of their spouse and children. Remember, though, that this is not the time to quit, which can only compound the situation and lead to breakup.
The book How to Make Your Marriage Work guides you on how to navigate financial difficulties that stir emotional distress and strengthen your commitment to your relationship. Even though the economic hardships facing your family today are inevitable, the two of you should face them head-on with hope, courage and determination. Granted, such times may present occasion for negative emotions that lead to emotional and physical abuse, neglect, criticism, blame games and stonewalling aimed at the unsuccessful family head or breadwinner, who might be viewed as unworthy of respect and labelled as a failure. But to what end?
It pays to remember that healthy relationships are characterized by love and respect, which prompt you to explore resources that will help you create open communication, identify pressing issues, and purpose to resolve them. On the other hand, negative emotions and mental attitude can only lead to an unhealthy relationship or breakup, which is not what the two of you want. You will agree that frequently boiling over on account of hardships that none of you has control over can only result in heartache and resentment, a tested recipe for separation and divorce. The words of Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:28 call to mind the reality that “… those who marry will face many troubles in life.” Ours is to navigate such troubles hand-in-hand without letup lest we let go the gift of marriage – wholesome companionship, passion and purpose.
Holding Fast Your Companionship, Passion and Purpose
Calling to memory your commitment to “love and to hold … for better and for worse, for richer and for poor” until death do you part should rekindle your passion and purpose in tough times. The truth is , tough times can take toll on our marriage, often leaving us in despair as we strive to wriggle out of the gloom and doom that suffocates us when our businesses crumple, or when we lose our jobs in the face of sky-rocketing cost of living.
Two months ago, Dan (not his real name) called to tell me that his business of selling mobile phone accessories had ground into a halt, and that they hadn’t eaten for two days. He didn’t know what to tell his children. His wife, who washed clothes in nearby estates for pay, was barred from accessing those neighbourhoods. A number of legal practitioners surrendered leases on their offices and resorted to home-office arrangements. Others moved in with close family members or friends to cut down on living expenses. One couple had separated on account of emotional strain occasioned by their inability to pay their bills. A former employee of mine called for financial assistance after being laid off by a construction company for whom he worked before the pandemic struck. Scores of workers in popular sports and entertainment outlets were laid off soon after the lock-down. They had no idea which way to go or what to do to lay bread on the table. While such scenarios are cause for despair, that is not the end of the road.
According to Roy Milan, a marriage counsellor, going through hard times can leave a husband and wife feeling closer and more committed to each other than ever before, or it can pull them apart and sever their relationship. He poses a pertinent question that you and I need to answer: How will your marriage fare in tough times? Will it survive or will it thrive? As you reflect on your own marriage, take time to re-examine your mental attitude to see whether you fall in the category of those who Milan refers to when he says: “When the going gets tough, spouses often do things unwittingly that undermines their relationship, just when they need each other most.” According to him, “… oftentimes, couples get so caught up in day-to-day survival, that they put their relationship on the back burner.”
In his timely word of advice, Milan reminds us that we need to be cautious not to focus all our time and energy on the problems, and not have energy left for our mate and our marriage. He cautions us not to point fingers at our mate or let the tough times drive a wedge between us. He draws our attention to some of the ways in which we can keep our marriage strong through tough times. How so?
- Leaning on each other, which helps us to be able to share our concerns, fears and hopes without being criticized or judged. According to him, we need to be there for each other, to listen to each other, and talk things out. His suggestion is for good reason. “When couples are under a lot of stress, they need to reach out to each other with an open ear and a shoulder to lean on,” he says.
- Keep your challenges in perspective and maintain a positive mental attitude, focusing on the problems and not on your mate’s imperfections or inadequacies. Things might not be as bad as you think
- Get connected and remain connected to your mate, your family or other community support mechanisms that serve as a source of strength and encouragement.
- Avoid negative emotions, attitudes and feelings, which can only serve to erode your passion and purpose in life.
- Maintain a positive attitude and be grateful for what you have – the gift of life and what each day brings.
- Whatever you go through, do not withhold your affection for your mate and family. Your love and affection for each one of them is what motivates them to join hands with you to cross the perilous bridges as you journey from adversity to joy and contentment regardless of your lot in life.
Conclusion
Premier LC-ADR Consultants work hand-in-hand with marriage mates with strained marital or family relations on the verge of breakup or separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help them salvage, restore and maintain healthy family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality. Our newly-launched virtual marriage strengthening programme addresses contemporary issues and offers marriage mates the opportunity to examine themselves and their relationship with a view of sealing emerging cracks that threaten their very existence.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy marital and family relations.
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