“A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences”
(William Shatner)
Experience has shown that the success of a marriage depends on the couple’s unreserved commitment to do everything within their means to make it work. The integrity of the foundation the two of you laid from the day you began courting, and the building blocks that you piece together day after day determines its enduring success. For instance, a couple that applies basic principles that guide healthful family relationship find joy and contentment in their marriage and family life. They recognize their union as a sacred institution in which each one of them has rights and obligations and, above all, a divinely-ordained responsibility to uphold its sanctity. Even though each spouse enters marriage with the expectation that their union will last their lifetime, marriages world over are increasingly being cut short by divorce. Accordingly, many couples are desperately looking for ways to make their marriage last and keep each other happy.
The insatiable hunger for practical solutions to challenges by which we are faced in our everyday living has driven many in search of a cure for what has proved to be the “critical times hard to deal with.” This has spurred the writing of thousands of books on marriage and family life, some of which attempt to philosophize what is, in reality, basic principles of human relations. Others have sought scientific explanations to dysfunctional marital and family relationships without regard to scriptural counsel that gives insight to what scholars view as matters of scientific inquiry. Granted, there is ample room for science in our human relations. However, the creation of our human race and the administration of its relations is best guided by He who created us – the one to whom we owe our existence.
Teachable marriage mates enjoy wholesome family relations by heeding professional counsel, which has stood the test of time, equipping millions with what it takes to be worthy husbands and wives who patiently weather the storms and find joy in an enduring relationship. This article draws from tested principles and expert evidence of their truth, which transcends social-cultural and religious boundaries. These principles serve to strengthen our marital bonds in the face of trials with which we contend day after day. Premier ADR Consultants applies these principles to help marriage mates restore, maintain and strengthen their relationship. Our conflict avoidance strategies make for an effective toolkit for every couple that values their marital and family bonds. The next phase deals with conflict management and, finally, dispute resolution through family mediation, a key component of our core ADR practice. Today, we focus on one of these principles – commitment – the first in a series of principles to be discussed weekly to help you navigate the exciting journey in marriage.
Your Unreserved Commitment
“By wisdom, a household will be built up and by discernment, it will prove firmly established. And by knowledge, will the interior rooms be filled with all precious and pleasant things of value.”
(Proverbs 24:3, 4)
Marriage is a relationship in which a man and a woman are bonded in holy matrimony in which each one of them has a stake, not to mention the big basket of responsibilities, the effective discharge of which rewards them with joy and contentment. According to Tiffany Mason, each one of them has something to put on the table. Accordingly, you cannot expect your mate to be the source of your happiness in marriage for which both of you are responsible, and towards which you must contribute in equal measure. In effect, your relationship will only be fulfilling if each one of you contributes to its success by discharging your marital obligations without expecting anything in return.
The success of any relationship, including marriage, depends on the level of investment by those who have a stake in it. Tiffany Mason observes that you can only experience a fulfilling relationship if you invest into it just as much as you invest in your personal development. In other words, there can be no growth without nurturing. The seed you sowed on your wedding day will only flourish and bear fruit if the two of you join hands in watering and nurturing it, providing the right nutrients and conditions for its growth and fruitage. You are keen to identify and weed out any negative traits and influences that threaten or stand in the way of the realization of your shared dreams and aspirations. You focus attention on your mutual needs and interests that inform your partnership and give meaning to your union as husband and wife. It is a relationship into which the two of you must come prepared to give your all and not merely to take whatever you expect of your mate.
Sadly, though, not everyone shares this view. A Nairobi FM station recently aired a conversation between a young man and a young woman on what they expect in a marriage. The young man painted the picture of a wife who would be prepared to cook for him, do his laundry, perform housekeeping chores and take care of their children. The young woman expressed the wish to marry a handsome rich man who would provide for all her financial and material needs. “He must know that I need to dress well and make my hair every two weeks and should not wait for me to ask him for the money,” she said. “He must employ a housemaid because I do not do house chores or cook. The only meal I can prepare for him is scrambled eggs, but he must employ someone to cook for us,” she continued. Asked what she would spend her time doing, she said that she would have time to spend with her friends, go for movies, read books, keep fit, and love him. She did not say how she would express this love, but I guess she had in mind what movie pictures romanticize as living happily thereafter.
Marriage is real. It is not a dream or fantasy in which we indulge without a fair share of both personal and joint responsibility. It is not a reservoir of joy from which we continually draw without selflessly investing our all to strengthen the bond and contribute to our growth as a family. Marriage may be likened to a bank out of which the account holders can only draw as much as they invest. Its endurance requires interpersonal skills and unreserved commitment to make it work. Yet not all who enter marriage have the skills or commitment to make it work. As one Christian journal observes, “young people are entering adulthood without the skills they need to succeed.” It is no wonder that the divorce rate has been on the increase, threatening the very foundation of family life. But all is not lost. Marriage can be a rewarding and permanent bond, a source of joy and contentment for those committed to making it work.
The word “commitment” refers to the state or quality of being dedicated to a course or activity. It denotes devotion, allegiance, loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, adherence and attentiveness – the fundamental qualities that call for personal responsibility and a sense of duty without which a meaningful relationship would not stand. And this is true of marriage.
According to this Christian journal, “husbands and wives who are committed to their marriage view it as a permanent bond, and that creates a sense of security between them. Each spouse is confident that the other will honor the union, even in difficult times.” They do their best to sustain their union and do not stay together merely as a result of social or family pressure, or the compelling need to raise their children in a seemingly stable family. In contrast, their commitment is founded on mutual love and respect.
Faithful couples who are devoted to their relationship remain loyal to each other against all odds. They cling to their mate as they weather the storms of marriage without regret, viewing their occasional challenges as inevitable and not as deal breakers. They do not sit on the fence or hold onto their relationship with one foot in and the other out waiting for the opportune moment to walk away, concluding that they were not really meant for each other. They do not enter marriage halfheartedly with a fallback plan, which erodes their commitment to make it work in difficult times. Neither do they look back wishing that they never married. They look for and focus on the good rather than the flaws or negative traits in their mate – a positive attitude that builds a firm foundation for a healthy and enduring relationship.
The shared commitment to making your marriage work will only find meaning if the two of you are prepared to act as a team, always thinking in terms of “we” rather than “me.” In effect, the two of you must work together to make it successful in accord with the principle that encourages marriage mates to consider themselves as “… no longer two, but one flesh” united with a commonality of purpose. Marriage mates who think and act at cross-purposes may be compared to a pilot and a copilot who embark on a flight with different flight plans that can only lead to a perilous outcome. It takes a husband and wife who work together to make a marriage work. Indeed, teamwork is the essence of a successful marriage in which each one of you should strive to “look out not only for your own interests but for the interest of others” – your spouse.
Remember, though, that teamwork requires humility and mutual respect. Deep respect for each other enables each one of you to listen to and appreciate your spouse’s point of view on matters that affect your relationship. Respectfully listening to and appreciating your spouse’s view on a matter keeps you talking and exploring solutions that work for both of you. Indeed, when you actively listen to your mate’s view on a matter makes them feel valued and respected. The respect you have for each other is a clear demonstration of the fact that you care for each other even during a disagreement. Without respect, what is intended to be an ordinary conversation can rapidly deteriorate into a contemptuous exchange loaded with bitter accusations, sarcasm and criticism. Likewise, disrespectful jokes or remarks calculated to demean or ridicule one’s mate erodes their self-esteem, trust and confidence in you, and may eventually lead to break-up and divorce. Does this sound familiar? Do not despair.
One way by which marriage mates demonstrate commitment toward an enduring marriage and respect for each other is by being willing to forgive or to beg for your mate’s forgiveness – seeking to let go the offense and feelings of resentment, which resolves and puts out the flames of, the conflict. The two of you will find it easy to forgive each other when you consciously avoid being oversensitive to what your mate has said or done. When you seriously consider our human imperfections, you will realize that your mate’s offending speech or action might not even have been intended to hurt you. Whatever the case, you will agree that a simple apology or your willingness to overlook the offense without attributing bad motive settles the matter. With time, your marriage bond will grow from strength to strength as the two of you make it a habit of being “… quick to settle matters.” In order to succeed, each one of you must cultivate patience.
What We Do
Premier ADR Consultants have developed a toolkit equipped with tested principles that guide our marriage strengthening programmes that are designed to help couples restore, maintain and strengthen their marriage bonds. We work hand-in-hand with marriage mates with strained marital relations on the verge of breakup and separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict avoidance, conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help parties salvage, restore and maintain healthy family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy marital and family relations.
Our founder and managing consultant, Dr. K. I. Laibuta, is a chartered arbitrator and mediator. He has a wealth of professional experience spanning three decades in legal practice with more than two decades of practical experience in alternative dispute resolution. Dr. Laibuta is a skilled independent, fair and impartial conflict manager and dispute resolver, who greatly values the parties’ right to equality of opportunity to freely tell their hidden stories and express their deep-seated feelings without fear or reservation. He facilitates joint resolution of disputes in friendly, informal and voluntary mediation sessions in a non-judgmental manner that ensures unqualified respect and personal dignity of each mate, which in turn guarantees trust and confidence in each other.
Premier ADR Consultants subscribe to the immutable principle that “No Conflict or Dispute is Intractable”.
You can learn more by visiting our website at www.adrconsultants.law and like our Facebook page for our weekly posts and periodic newsletter. If you consider our programme useful to you or to your friends, feel free to contact the writer on +254-0722521708 or by e-mail [email protected]
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