A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end
(Anonymous)
For reasons I do not know, Saidi and Saida (not their real names) were embroiled in a bitter marital dispute in which she sought maintenance of herself and their two children. My attempt to discover the grounds for their separation was in vain. All I remember is that Saida lodged an application for court orders every other month whenever she needed school fees for their son or upkeep. I prided in carrying one of the fattest files to court, arguing application after application. I had inherited the file from two colleagues who had ceased to act for my client, one after the other, for what I suspected to be “utoto” demonstrated in pure vexacious conduct calculated to hurt the other spouse. Saidi resolved to hit back by resisting every application despite his ability to maintain ten families.
Then one morning, hell broke loose when I had all her pending and vexatious applications consolidated and dismissed with orders that the two sit and agree on a payment schedule and record a consent at the next mention date. That date never came.
As we filed out of court, Saida’s voice rang high in the air.
“If you are a man, wait for me. I will show you where you belong.”
My client, Saidi, panicked.
“Laibuta,” he urged. “let us get out of here. She will hurt me. Let us go”
I obeyed and cascaded down the staircase. She came in hot pursuit and almost caught up with us. My client suggested that we get into my car, which was nearby, and speed off.
“I can’t get into my car,” he said. “she will smash the windscreen. She has done it before.”
We ran, and off we went. That is the last time I attended court on that matter, and my client’s file still lies gathering dust in my archive almost two decades down the line.
What Went Wrong?
Everything. The two lost trust and confidence in each other. Their lives were plagued with suspicion and mistrust. Their lines of communication were severed. They walled up and sought every means to inflict emotional and physical harm on each other. The law and the judicial process became a handy weapon in their vicious battles. Legal counsel became their foot soldiers. The battle raged on until they tired, or so I think.
Looking Back Many Years Later
It is almost two decades since I retired from that army of litigation family lawyers and embraced ADR, which delivers consumer satisfaction and meets the mutual needs and interests of the parties. In my practice as a family mediator, I am always keen to identify what drives a sharp wedge between most couples embroiled in marital disputes. Walling up or lack of effective communication always tops the list. Their pattern of behavior is easily predictable. Once one spouse switches off, the two take refuge in long hours at work or leisure, with the intention of spending the shortest time together. The two busy themselves to avoid each other’s company, which erodes intimacy and sparks controversy, kicking off the unhealthy blame game. As each sits in judgment over the other on just about everything, their love for each other gradually grows cold, breeding contempt and stirring contention that poses the risk of breakup, a pattern from which the two must break. Otherwise, depression sets in to express their emotional needs as they cry for attention. Saida did what she did as a loud cry for affection and attention. It never came.
What Many of Us Fail to Appreciate
A happy marriage does not come with time. It is not a fruit that ripens someday. According to Paul R. Giblin, building a successful marriage is a lifelong challenge, and understanding the different stages of marriage and the phases a couple go through helps them build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship. In his view, “All healthy marriages experience changes and transition. That’s what keeps them alive and growing.” It should be borne in mind, though, that some of the stages of this relational growth are predictable while others are not. In the end, success comes to those who make time count rather than merely counting time.
Saidi and Saida passively counted time and failed to make their time in marriage count. They failed to invest in their relationship. Their hateful regard for each other only served to stir anger and bitterness. Yet, as I suspect, the source of their bitter conflict comprised of minor issues and suspicions that could have been easily addressed through improved communication. And that is what Premier ADR Consultants facilitate with the primary goal of making your marriage work, creating for you a trusted path for a joyful and fulfilling family relationship. Rich out for professional help and stop suffering in silence.
Premier ADR Consultants work hand-in-hand with entrepreneurs and marriage mates with strained business or marital relations on the verge of breakup or separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help parties salvage, restore and maintain healthy business and family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy business, marital and family relations.
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