Marriage may be likened to an adventurous journey without a destination in view. Those walking this path learn to live through intermittent moments of joy and gloom. With time, they come face to face with the reality that a happy marriage does not just happen. It results from concerted effort and determination to build an enduring relationship. Like the house by which their family is sheltered in security, marriage is as strong as its foundation AND THE INTEGRITY OF THE PILLARS BY WHICH IT IS PROPPED. The material with which it is constructed determines its integrity and endurance in moments of trial. The tools and skills employed in hewing and piecing together its building blocks determine its beauty and strength. The elating comfort and joy of its residents depend on the inner beauty AND TEXTURE of its furnishings. Its warmth exudes from the embers of the billowing fires lit and continually rekindled by those to whom its enduring beauty and fortitude are invaluable. Its glamour rests on its completeness and imposing façade with little or no regard for the lone brick first laid on the rock mass on which its foundation rests.
Any mediator will tell you that a marital relationship depends on what each spouse contributes to meet the basic human needs of his or her mate and that no court of law has the tools to manage this human enterprise. Simply put, court orders cannot manage a household. It is this realisation that motivated me to down tools and quit litigation in marital disputes, dedicating time to reconciling couples and guiding them through various ways in which they can prevent and effectively manage their relational conflicts.
Helping Couples to Know Themselves
As Socrates puts it, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” Wilson Bentley sums up the key indicators of self-knowledge in what he refers to as the VITALS or building blocks of self. He explains what the acronym VITALS stands for, i.e., values, interests, temperament, around the clock, life mission and goals, and strength/skills. According to him, being aware of one’s values is a source of motivation. It is a valuable guide to decision-making and motivates goal-setting. Interests include one’s passions, hobbies, and anything that draws one’s attention over a period of time. Being conscious of one’s interests and those of his or her mate helps a couple to balance their lives and avoid inflexibilities that might develop into Intractable conflicts. Balancing their interests helps a couple to accommodate the other’s passions and dreams. On the other hand, what one pays greater attention to becomes his or her primary concern in life and the object of undue preoccupation to the detriment of their marriage. Key among these interests is one’s career and professional goals, which invariably shape the landscape of one’s life in marriage.
Self-knowledge and its VITALS provides the springing board from which one takes a leap into the deep waters of life in marriage. Moreover, marriage may be likened to a business enterprise whose success and net returns depend on the aggregate value of the investments (in personal qualities, strengths and social skills and temperaments), life’s mission and goals on which it is founded. In a word of caution, Bentley sounds a reminder that “even if you know your VITAL signs, it is hard to remain true to yourself because you are constantly changing and because society’s values often conflict with your own.” In effect, it counts to be honest and authentic to make for an enduring and loving relationship.
A Lesson in Humility
As the old adage goes, pride comes before a crash. With regard to the need to strive for personal development in the spirit of humility and selfless commitment to one’s mate, the inspiring words of the Apostle Paul to the Christian congregation in Philippi lay down the key principles of humility and self-sacrificing spirit, which would be of particular interest to all. He says in Philippians 2:3, 4:
“… [do] nothing out of contentiousness or out of egotism, but with lowliness of mind considering that the others are superior to you, keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just your own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others.”
Knowing oneself and one’s mate well, embracing their strengths and weaknesses, creates and nurtures a wholesome union that provides a firm foundation for mutual joy and contentment in an enduring family relationship. Experience shows that appreciating one’s mate’s personality and unique qualities limits unpleasant surprises and disappointments, and helps the couple to manage expectations.
It’s All in Your Hands and in Your Heart
A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end
(Anonymous)
My opening remarks in every mediation session include a simple guiding principle, i.e., successful resolution of their dispute depends entirely on the two of them. My work as mediator is merely to facilitate the process.
In order to avoid conflicts and make your marriage work, the two of you must appreciate that you are in it together. Your choices in career and other personal pursuits must be informed by the need to create quality time for each other. As experience shows, creating quality time for the two of you to maintain a joyful and fulfilling relationship requires personal sacrifices in one’s career and hobbies. You will also agree that investing quality time in one’s relationship directly impacts on its quality and the possibility that it will endure.
Speaking on “Habits for Better Relationships,” Tony Robins suggests that being courageous and truthful, and respectfully opening up to one’s mate, despite the risk of making one feel vulnerable and insecure, serves to build trust and strengthen their relationship. The mistake many make is to hold back and bottle up their feelings in fear of hurting their mate. According to him, vulnerability gives you, rather than rob you of, power. In effect, being courageous, truthful, and taking personal responsibility despite the looming feeling of insecurity, demonstrates good intention to address issues of mutual concern rather than engaging in a destructive blame game. It is not uncommon for spouses to blame their mate for their own mistakes simply to convey the subtle message that they ought to have stepped in and be there for them in their time of need. However, being accountable and taking responsibility for the results of one’s action or mistake helps to restore trust and builds the bridge to mutual understanding, forgiveness and healing, which I endeavor to help them process in a safe and secure environment.
Conclusion
Premier ADR Consultants work hand-in-hand with marriage mates who have strained marital relations on the verge of breakup and separation to resolve their disputes by means of our transformative conflict management and dispute resolution strategies. We help parties salvage, restore and maintain healthy family relationships in a safe and peaceful environment with guaranteed privacy and confidentiality.
Our expeditious, cost-effective and party-controlled techniques guarantee consumer satisfaction resulting from the voluntary and jointly generated win-win outcomes. We provide the best alternative to the all-familiar costly, time-consuming, adversarial and often emotive court litigation that only works to weaken and ultimately destroy marital and family relations.
Our founder and managing consultant, Dr. K. I. Laibuta is a chartered arbitrator and mediator. He has a wealth of professional experience spanning three decades in legal practice with more than two decades of practical experience in alternative dispute resolution. Dr. Laibuta is a skilled independent, fair and impartial conflict manager and dispute resolver, who greatly values the parties’ right to equality of opportunity to freely tell their hidden stories and express their deep-seated feelings without fear or reservation. He facilitates joint resolution of disputes in friendly, informal and voluntary mediation sessions in a non-judgmental manner that ensures unqualified respect and personal dignity of each mate, which in turn guarantees trust and confidence in each other.
Premier ADR Consultants subscribe to the immutable principle that “No Conflict or Dispute is Intractable”
You can learn more by visiting our website at www.adrconsultants.law and like our Facebook page for our weekly posts and monthly newsletter.
Feel free to direct your comments or further inquiries to Dr. Laibuta on this address: [email protected] or Tel. +254(0)722521708. It might also interest you to know that this post is a compilation of brief extracts from my forthcoming book titled MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE WORK: The Pathway to a Joyful and Fulfilling Marriage scheduled to reach your bookstalls early next year.
[mc4wp_form id=”11339″]